


The Bally Misapprehension

by zzzp



Category: Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:08:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28140651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zzzp/pseuds/zzzp
Summary: Queer hijinks with Jeeves, Wooster, and a pair of queer women. Happy Yuletide 2020! What a year!
Relationships: Reginald Jeeves/Bertram "Bertie" Wooster
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	The Bally Misapprehension

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Arithanas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arithanas/gifts).



“Oh good morning, sir,” Jeeves breezed into the living room, his demeanor only slightly tweaked by the unexpected sight of Bertie in a dressing robe.

“Good morning, Jeeves.”

“Sir, if you don’t mind me saying so, sir, you’re up and about quite a bit earlier than usual, sir.”

“Yes, Jeeves, well I’ve got a bit of a case of the stomach butterflies, if you know what I mean.”

“I don’t sir.” 

“Just a bit of a sprinkle up the spine, you know.”

“Sir?”

“I’m just anxious, Jeeves.”

“Ah, I see, sir.”

As if from nowhere, Jeeves produced a full tea service and began to pour.

“Oh, thank you, Jeeves,” the flustered man pulled his robe tighter around himself, hunching over and preparing his body for the tea. “It’s just that a friend of my cousin is coming into town, a rather queer girl.”

“Queer, sir?”

“Yes, Petunia Chisleby. Wonderful girl, really. Just queer in that she wasn’t much like the other girls we ran around with in those days. She was much more relaxed with us. She was always sort of, well, just one of the boys, really.”

“I see.”

“And, of course, there’s nothing wrong with that. I always enjoyed her company.”

“Then what is the problem exactly, sir?”

“Well, because she was always around, my Aunt Agatha and quite a few other women of her set got it into their heads that perhaps we’d make a good match.”

“Ah, I see now, sir.”

“Yes, Jeeves. I’m just nervous that she’s come here to try to pin me down into some kind of marriage.”

“And that’s not of interest, sir?” Almost imperceptivity, Jeeves cocked his head, refilling Bertie’s teacup, to look into his eye for not more than a second.

“Oh, don’t be silly, Jeeves.”

“I rarely do, sir.”

“It’s nothing against her, of course. It’s just that, that, that…”

“Sir?”

“Well, you know, Jeeves. I’m not interested in marrying anyone. Oh, I always think, Jeeves, that you’re the only one I’d like to grow old with if it can be at all avoided.” 

“Ah, yes, sir. Scone, sir.” He did not crack even a hint of a smile, but his eyes twinkled as he offered up the treat. “Well, sir, might I recommend you simply be honest with this Petunia. Once the topic is addressed, you’ll be able to return to being friendly.”

“Well, I could do that, I suppose.”

“I suspect that it’s the path of least resistance, sir.”

“Well, thank you, Jeeves. You always have the bally answers, don’t you?”

“I do, sir.”

+()+()++()+()++()+()++()+()++()+()++()+()+

The next morning…

“Oh, Jeeves, thank goodness you’re awake.”

“Oh, yes sir. Up early again, sir?”

“Oh yes, Jeeves, it’s been such a frightful week for my circadian rhythms.”

“Yes, sir?”

“I just mean, I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Yes, I can see that, sir. Would you like tea, sir?”

“Oh, yes, Jeeves. Thank goodness for you…well, it’s Petunia, you know.”

Jeeves poured.

“The queer woman, sir?”

“Yes, that one, of course. Well, Jeeves, I cocked it up, don’t you know.”

“What, sir?”

“Well, the whole situation, don’t you know. I thought about the advice you gave me about being honest with her…”

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, well, I thought about it and then I didn’t take it.”

“I see, sir.”

“I just thought it would be easier if I made up a story…”

“I see, sir”

“Don’t give me that attitude, Jeeves.”

“No attitude, sir.”

“It’s just that, if I could have come up with the right story, it would have settled the matter without having to address it in any awkward way.” 

“And did your plan result in a decrease in awkwardness?”

“Well, no, obviously it did not, Jeeves.”

“I see, sir.”

“You and that attitude, Jeeves. What I ended up telling her was that I was deeply in love with someone else.”

“Well that seems reasonable, sir.”

“Well yes, but, she took that information and ran with it, thinking that she knew who I meant.”

“How could she even guess, sir?”

“Well she said there was only one person I ever talk about really. Or at least one more than anyone else.”

Jeeves wrinkled his eyebrows in genuine confusion.

“Who, sir?”

“Well, would you believe it? She thought I meant you, Jeeves.”

“Me? Sir.”

“Yes, I can’t even imagine how she could get that idea!”

“Well that is queer, sir.”

“I told you.”

“Sir, at any point did it occur to you to simply tell the truth as I had previously recommended, nipping this little queer fantasy in the bud.”

“I tried, Jeeves, but once she’d gotten the idea in her head, it seemed to run wild. She continued monologuing despite my every protestation, cutting me off from making the correction.”

“I see, sir.”

“I can feel your judgement, Jeeves.”

“You can feel nothing from me, sir.”

“I know you, Jeeves. I know what you’re thinking without you even having to say a word.”

“And what am I thinking, sir?”

“You’re thinking that when I meet her for luncheon today, I must simply follow your original advice and be honest.”

“Sir.”

“Well, I’ll show you, Jeeves, because I am going to follow your advice without you even saying it!”

“Very good, sir.”

+()+()++()+()++()+()++()+()++()+()++()+()+

“Oh Jeeves, this is the third morning in a row that I haven’t been able to sleep leisurely and had to get up and speak to you immediately…”

The butler closed the door behind him as he entered the domicile.

“Sir, the third morning in a row.”

“That’s just it, Jeeves. I can’t stop thinking about the situation with Petunia.”

“Yes, sir. Am I to assume then that you were unable to convince her of the absurdity of this notion that you are besotted with your butler?”

“Exactly, Jeeves. That bally assumption!”

“Did you attempt to address the matter at your luncheon yesterday?”

“I did, Jeeves. I did make a bally attempt, but I…I…I…”

“You were unsuccessful, sir?”

“Couldn’t get a word in edgewise. And then when I did, she seemed to simply ignore the facts that were not to her liking. It was as if I hadn’t even said them.”

“Well, sir, it’s a very good thing that I was able to activate a backup plan.”

“A backup plan, Jeeves.”

“Yes, sir.”

The little man raised his fist in the air.

“That’s just the ticket, Jeeves. You’re always the very best at handling all matters. I can’t thank you enough, Jeeves.”

He heaved a sigh of relief, sipping the tea that Jeeves was already pouring him, having produced the cup and pot seemingly from nowhere.

“Jeeves, I don’t mean to pry, and feel free to leave me in the dark if the nuances of your ways are best left obscure to me, but…”

“Yes, sir?”

“Well, what did you do exactly?”

“Ahem, well sir, it’s a bit of a sensitive matter.”

“Oh, I’m so curious to know, Jeeves.”

“But you said, if the nuances were best left…”

“Well, yes, yes, but please do tell me, Jeeves. You know I love to know the gossip.”

“Well, sir. I have occasionally made the acquaintance of a girl, Daisy, who has been a lady’s maid for some time, even given her relative youth.”

“Ok, yes. Yes. Well, go on…”

“Well, I’ve always suspected, based on little more than intuition you must know, that she rather falls in love with the women she works for.”

“You don’t mean….?”

“Yes, well I knew she happened to have come into the employment in recent years of one of your cousin’s friends, and this morning I was able to determine that, in fact, she does indeed work for your friend Petunia.”

“Both flower names, I guess.”

“Indeed, sir.”

“So I’m still not sure what you’re saying, Jeeves.”

“Well, sir, I wasn’t sure exactly but there was a little twinge in my frontal lobe when you were describing Petunia, and, well, it’s become clear to me that the relationship between the two of them extends somewhat outside the average woman and her lady’s maid.”

“You don’t say!”

“And once I divulged to Daisy that the two of you had been spending time together and that your aunt had a notion of the two of you becoming engaged, she looked the image of jealousy and vowed to move them along out of town post haste, effectively ending this whole silly matter.”

“I can barely take it all in, Jeeves. She’s been doing the very thing she imagined us doing…”

“It seems so, sir.”

“Can you imagine? I mean, us?”

“Indeed, sir. Clearly…preposterous.”

“But I couldn’t do without you, you know, Jeeves.”

“Indeed, sir.”


End file.
